


Damned If do(n't)

by Pigmi



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 04:32:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13696935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigmi/pseuds/Pigmi
Summary: When the bride comes in and she makes her giant grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. Cause even though I think he’s an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery, he always looks really, really happy.





	Damned If do(n't)

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted years ago to my livejournal account (under the same username), which I've more or less abandoned. Just importing all my writing here for safekeeping. щ（ಥ▽ಥщ

**Fastforward»**

It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roomates, best friends since five and completely inseparable. It was easy to ignore it when it was just fun and just them, and Kibum can forget for a while.

When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops working.

He can barely get past the silver scrawls of ink-

_(You are cordially invited to celebrate the union of Kim Jonghy-)_

before he scrambles to the bathroom and loses his breakfast.

It‘s lovely too, something Kibum could’ve appreciated had it been for any other occasion. Creamy cardstock cut in clever angles and winding purple- hell, Sekyung had even chosen his favorite color.

The fiancee is home though, picking up the offending piece of paper with admiration.

_(“Hey” he calls out, thumbing the roses pressed into stationary. “Sekyung did a nice job”)_

He can’t even get through her name before Kibum's bent over again, emptying his heart along with it.

 

**Pause ||**

He can’t pinpoint when it happened-  _if_  it was even a happening to begin with. Perhaps it was always like this and Kibum only put a name to it six years ago. Love always felt kind of funny in his mouth, even funnier when he turned his head and considered attaching it to Jonghyun. To this boy in sloppy jeans and too big-shirts.

Only the shirts are tighter around his biceps now, trailing up from broad shoulders to a sharp jawline. The shock hits him like a tidal wave. Less about how somewhere along the line- between sandbox playdates and nervous first dates- Jonghyun had stopped being a boy and turned into a man. 

And more about how there was never any considering to be done.

Kibum had already attached this awkward four letter word to him, and the boy held it captive like a vice.

He had the sinking feeling that he always would.

 

**« Rewind**

Of course it’s awkward when Sekyung comes into the picture. It’s always been Kibum and Jonghyun, Key and Jjong. This alien with long hair and soft curves didn’t belong in the angles between them.

He doesn’t expect things to change with this new addition, though. Taemin, Onew, Minho- they melded in flawlessly to their duo. Why would Sekyung be any different? Of course Kibum gets along with her best. They’re two peas in a pod, really.  In time his fingers learn to curl around her stomach with ease, Cute nicknames like Boo and Baby and enough skinship to film a softcore porno.

And it’s not like he doesn’t notice the way Jonghyun’s been getting snappy. The way his eyes narrow at every touch, every silly text she sends him. Kibum thinks  it’s jealousy at first, the thought of being replaced- even if Jonghyun  _is_  being an idiot. Sekyung was a good friend, a  _close_  friend.

But she wasn’t Jonghyun.

_(At the same time though, she knew the best stores and the perfect accessories to really bring together an outfit. It wasn’t his fault if Jonghyun was allergic to 99.9% of his interests, and she was actually, well, **fun**  to go shopping with.)_

"You’re still my best friend” He makes sure to remind him, eyes soft like they always were for this stupid little boy. “You’ll always be number one”

The brunette agrees with something akin to relief in his eyes.

“You too.”

 

**«**

Three weeks later they start dating and Kibum realizes Jonghyun had been feeling a different kind of jealousy.

 

**«**

It’s their cupcake phase and everyone is happy. The world is sunshine and rainbows and he wakes Kibum in the middle of the night just to tell him how fucking  _great_  everything is. Like he doesn’t know, like he doesn’t feel the happiness radiating off of him. The couple is the King Midas of love. Whatever they touch turns to gold and flowers. He may or may not have found traces of unicorn hair in the shower.

And for a while, Kibum is perfectly happy too. Jonghyun spends time with him, Jonghyun pays  _attention_  to him. Jonghyun is  _happy_  because

“I’m in love.” He whispers one night, curled up in bed. Breathless like he’s had the wind knocked out of him by the sheer intensity of his feelings. “Kibum; I’m so,  _so_  in love.”

Kibum wonders what it’s like to love someone so much it hurts. Past hot blushes and butterflies, and right into the feeling that settles into the pit of his stomach. He takes one look at himself, at Jonghyun’s face so close and  _beautiful_  and marvels as his chest burns something awful.

He realizes he’s known the answer for years.

 

**«**

Of course what goes up must come down.

It’s not bad yet, but it’s not too good either. He’s getting more distant. It’s like highschool and jealousy all over again and he wonders if this is how Jonghyun felt when he was the one getting close to Sekyung. The feeling of being pushed aside for-  _Sorry, I already made plans with her.”_ Or-  _“Maybe later, Kibum, I’m busy.”_

He knows that they’re already dating and Sekyung deserves his time, but still.

Still.

Days pass when Jonghyun is moody- horrible, dreary days where it’s just Kibum left alone to his thoughts. He begins to look for assurance in the smallest things, and it’s a petty sort of idea that Kibum absolutely hates. He’s caught in a drought, waiting for the rain to fall, waiting for some sign- any sign- that Jonghyun

Jonghyun still cares like he used to.

Number one and forever and maybe he stopped being sure of it long before that.

He opens his mouth one day, planning to bring it up.

“Jonghyun” He begins, reaching for his hand.  “Jonghyun I-“

_I feel so **lonely**. I feel like we’re not the same anymore. I feel like you’re already gone from me. If it’s not what you want now, I get it. But please don’t leave me like this. Please, I-_

Jonghyun’s phone rings before he can get the first syllable out.

Of course it’s Sekyung again.

Kibum’s hand drops to his side.

It’s  _always_  Sekyung.

 

**«**

_“Hey Jjong I was just calling because it’s y-know. Two in the fucking **morning**  and you still aren’t home”_

_“It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Sekyung is here”_

_“What? Where is **here**? Look, just tell me when you’ll be ba -“_

_“Sorry, It’s really hard to talk here, don’t wait up for me”_

 

**«**

Jonghyun proposes on a warm Friday night.

It’s dinner with the six of them. Like it’s always been, Like it will always be.

Only-

Only he’s wishing for it to be more about two of them now, two out of six.

He stutters a little, fingers shaking slightly when he gets down on one knee. Kibum would’ve thought it adorable if he didn’t feel his heart explode somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. Sekyung’s nails dig hard into his arm, smile blinding as she looks back and forth, back and forth.

“Ohmigod” She hisses in his ear, something similar flying out of everyone’s mouth.

And ‘oh’

Is all Kibum can say, wide eyed and lips parted. Because

Oh.

All those nights with Sekyung, all the .

 _Oh_.

And he knew the way they were going, that this day would come eventually.  One month of drama doesn’t compare to four years of love, really. (Can’t help but to compare it to eighteen years of it, since five and sandbox playdates, and  _best friends_.)

Tears pool at the corners of his eyes, and he scrubs at them furiously.

Of course the answer is a yes, has always been a yes.

 

**«**

And it’s like the cupcake phase all over again.

And contrary to his tone, Kibum is happy. Kibum is so, so happy he could explode whenever he sees Jonghyun. No one could ignore that kind of joy. Not when those dark ugly days are over and Jonghyun is finally paying attention to him again.

Of course the feeling is still there. That ugly spot of insecurity. But he can manage it now. He can manage it because it’s swept under the rug to ignore. He wakes up to Jonghyun, falls asleep with him; cooks his meals and listens to him talk. Of course the brunette spends time with Sekyung and the others, but that’s expected. That ugly misunderstanding was cleared up and everything can be okay because out of sight, out of mind. Forget that the wedding is coming closer, forget that he’s leaving his heart open and vulnerable, scared of all the what-ifs and maybes and-

He tucks the thought of heartache and marriage and anxiety away, leaves it to fester and morph into a different kind of insecurity.  He had time to deal with those demons later.

Later.

 

**Play |►**

It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roomates, Best friends since 5 and completely inseparable. It was easy to ignore it when it was just fun and just them, and Kibum can forget for a while.

When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops working.

 

|►

He feels guilty every time he’s near Sekyung- like he’s lying to her even though his lips say yes- of course I’d love to go shop for wedding favors today.

In reality though, Kibum kind of feels like dying.

It’s a little overdramatic, a little crude. But there’s a sad sort of smile that plays on her lips everytime she catches sight of him. She never says anything, never hints anything, but he has the strangest feeling that she knows.

He’s only thankful that she isn’t angry.

He couldn’t bear two people leaving him in the end.

 

|►

Taemin is equally hard to deal with, the dancer doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up- God bless his soul- and all he can talk about is “Married, hyung. Married married married” and “Bride bride bride” Kibum doesn’t fancy himself overdramatic, but he can’t help the desire to gag Taemin everytime the “b” word shoots out of his mouth.

Minho, though. Minho is the worst of all. There’s only quiet with him, and it’s the deafening silence of his own thoughts that makes it so very hard.

Because what if this changes everything. What if this screws them up- makes everything go to shit. The sense of obligation that comes to Jonghyun with silver wrapped around his finger- what if he gets  _tired_  of him when he realizes he has this forever kind of deal to deal with. Kibum couldn’t handle it if Jonghyun walked out on his life, if he played less of a part than he did before.

Kibum couldn’t handle being thrown away.

“Hyung” he says quietly, rubbing circles across his back. He soothes through touch; knowing better than to depend on words. He’s heard enough from his million sisters, heard how common this behavior is, and the fact it’s incurable till the deed is done.

Minho doesn’t lie though, even if Kibum doesn’t want to hear it.

“Hyung, he’s making the right choice.”

Kibum cries harder.

 

|►

“Big day” Sekyung chants like a mantra. Understandably, she’s excited. The fruits of her effort, of her love. Of a year’s worth of planning- of course she’s excited for it to all come together.

Of course Kibum wants to punch her and perhaps find a large piece of rubber tubing to choke himself with.

He wonders vaguely if men often think this during weddings, but Sekyung is smiling at him with a grin brighter than diamonds and the thought withers away. He can’t take it anymore. The anxiety, the guilt. Postponing the confrontation he’s dreading but is too selfish to ignore.

She leaves the dressing room to adjust her makeup and Kibum dashes out the door.

 

|►

“What are you doing here?” Is understandably his first question.

Clear surprise is written over his face at Kibum’s sudden appearance, hands pausing in the middle of looping his tie. His smile is amiable despite the incredulous expression. “Didn’t Sekyung sa-“

“Fuck what she wants” was clearly not the response he was expecting, though. His eyebrows furrow at the vicious interruption, but it shuts him up. “I need-"

_I need-_

Only he doubles over before the words can get out, palms pressed flat against his eyes to stifle the moisture behind them. God knows he’s embarrassed enough; another breakdown quite possibly the last thing on his ‘desired’ list. Not infront of Jonghyun, at least. Not on his big day.

The brunette is at his side less than a second later though, confusion traded in for concern. Fingers wrap around Kibum’s wrist, pulling him up and flush against a six hundred dollar tuxedo.

“Hey” He breathes, warm. Close. “Key- Kibum.  _Baby_  what’s wrong?”

 _What isn’t_. He wants to laugh; an ugly, wry kind of chuckle  _I’m a wreck. An insecure wreck. I’m 23 and have more abandonment issues than a foster child. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. Not before I make sure that this is what you want. I can’t live without knowing the chance that you’d change your mind, or get any closer because it’ll **kill**  me Jonghyun. It’ll knock me  **dead**  if this changes us._

_I have to know-_

“Happy“ He ends up choking, a hiccup breaking the syllables as he presses into Jonghyun’s shoulder. “I need to know if you’re happy.”

_And where are all your walls now? You've lived in a bubble and you expect him to cater to this for the rest of his life?_

“Of course I’m happy” He says instead. To give him credit, there’s no hesitation. Confusion, maybe. Distress. But no hesitation. He almost sounds desperate to confirm his feelings, palms sliding to cradle the blonde’s face. “I- Hell Kibum, I’m getting married with the  _love of my life-“_  
  
and here’s where he looks unsure. “a-aren’t you?”

Because they’ve always been a team, haven’t they? They took their punches together, rolled through the tide together, and every decision was 100% with them- even if they disagreed. Of course Jonghyun’s confused. He made the fatal flaw of assuming everything was alright. Wrapped up in his own happiness and-

“Oh, Kibum” He sighs, and he can’t stand the regret in Jonghyun eyes as it all clicks into place. As he looks back and finally realizes all the looks, all the nervous little glances he’s been getting the past three months (and eighteen years). “Oh, Kibum, you couldn’t possibly… what made you even thin-“

“ _Don’t_ ” He bites back, harsher than nessesary, before his eyes well up again. His face scrunches up, teeth clamping hard on his lip because he can’t stand how pathetic he looks. How needy, and  “ _Don’t_ , Jjong. Just answer me,  _please_ ”

The look he gives says it all. An apology and reassurance all in one- He’s more than willing to end the suffering and deliver the closure the blonde needs.

“Happy wouldn’t cover it.” he breathes, face breaking into a smile so bright it nearly blinds him. “Married. The forever kind of deal, you know. _The one_. Do you know how lucky I am? My bride-“

Kibum’s chest constricts painfully at the mention, and Jonghyun notices the twist in his face and winces in apology. This is no time for jokes when he knows Kibum needs to hear it.  
  
“is perfect” and the look in his eyes, clear and with so much honesty it hurts.   
  
“But you’d know that, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah” Is all Kibum can choke out. “Yeah, I do.”

Sekyung would kill him. But Kibum finds himself in being selfish so he kisses Jonghyun for all it’s worth. One last time, it says- so desperate, too desperate. Let me just remember this before it ends, before you go and I go and everything changes.

Jonghyun lets him.

 

|►

The suit is stifling when he gets it on, but he manages. One button, two buttons, and he’s following the procession down the aisle. Onew is his escort and Kibum hopes to God that he’ll forget his tendency to trip over nothing.

Sekyung smiles at him from the alter, stunning swathed in the lavender silk of her bridesmaid’s dress. The bouquet spill purple orchids down his fingers and he almost cries at how perfect she is. For dealing with his moods, for understanding. There’s no guilt in the smile he graces her this time, No pretending. Only the clammyslicksweat of his palms as his shoes crush the petals lining the aisle.

Taemin giggles his approval, forgetting the running joke of ‘bride’ and dress suggestions in the warmth of the actual event. The flowers were a compromise to the image though, even if he secretly agrees they contrast nicely against his tux. It doesn’t take long to find Minho either, ready to catch the look that dawns on Kibum’s face with a private smile.

“ _I told you_ ” it says- so very smug and  _Minho_. “ _I told you he made the right choice_ ”.

His prediction isn’t disappointed, of course. Not with the way Kibum looks at him. The way  _he_  looks at Kibum. Dazed and wondering what kind of miracle he pulled to deserve this. Like he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him in his life, really and _how could you possibly think a marriage would change that? Do anything but make a bond stronger?._

And everything might change from this point, yeah. Maybe it was the end of the safety zone, no turning back once the rings were on and lips pressed tight. It officially began three weeks after “Best friends forever” but he has a feeling this started long before that, from sandbox playdates and awkward first dates to a marriage proposal that took three months of encouragement from Sekyung to go through with.

“  _Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Kim Kibum and Kim Jonghyun-“_

 _And yes,_ Kibum thinks to himself.  _definitely the right choice._


End file.
